Today's thoughts

I'm so bored right now. I should be doing other things but I don't have any motivation.

Thankfully I'm graduating this weekend. My bill is paid off to the school and my cap and gown are here.

I have good friends who bring me food.

I sometimes wonder if I had been able to look at my life in the future if I would like where my life is. Would I be surprised that my closest friends I grew up with aren't the people I talk to everyday anymore? Would I be happy with being a teacher? What about getting married? Would I think I would be ready by 23?

I wonder sometimes what people actually think of me...do they like me? do they put me in a box, stereotype me? And where do i fall in that?

I noticed that I don't sing as much as I used to. I don't mean in a choir or voice lessons. But just sang to myself. I used to wake every morning and start singing. In the shower, as I dressed, all day. I don't anymore. Sing the song inside of me. I can't find it anymore. That simple song that is in me from the moment I wake up. I used to be able to sing a song at a moments notice, but now when I try my mind is blank.

I wish I could capture that carefree, unburdened life of my childhood. When I didn't know. When I was still naive.

I was watching Heroes and I teared up. I'm watching House now and it is very interesting.

I hope that I have learned how to have appropriate reactions to conversations I participate in. If I haven't before, than I'm sorry if I've offended you.

This is just my rantings. Don't worry about it. I'm really ok. Theses are just some observations.

Free Gifts

I was sitting in church last week and after the sermon I came to a new understanding of my faith. Maybe I’m slow, but maybe I’m not. I know that I’ve heard that God’s gift of salvation is free, and I understand it but now it has a new meaning for me.

Gods’ gift is free. It’s free. I don’t need to do anything. It’s not a buy one get one free deal. It’s not a do this for the free gift. All it requires of me is acceptance of this gift. Other religions you have to follow these steps or do things. ‘If you meditate enough during the day you will find your inner peace and your heaven. If you only eat certain foods, if you pray everyday, if you give this much money, if you are good, you do good things for other, you will make it to heaven.’ That is what other religions tell me; If I work hard enough I will be free from my burdens and worries, I can free myself!

But God tells me, “ You don’t need to do anything. You don’t need to pray, you don’t need to do good things or give money. I’m giving this away and all you need to do is accept it.“

What kind of God is this? He requires nothing? There’s a catch right? I have to do what God tells me? Buy into a church right?

No. Just plain acceptance of this gift. Acceptance of this completely undeserving gift? I want to know more. More about this God that requires nothing from me. A free gift given so simply. What is this God thinking? That is why I follow Him. That is why I do what God asks me. He doesn’t make me, I don’t have to love others, to give to others, to tithe, to pray, to read my Bible, to share God’s love, but He asks me to do these things. He simply asks that as someone who loves Him, who has accepted His gift, that I do these things.

Maybe that still isn’t clear, but to me it makes sense. I don’t have to pray. I don’t have to love others, but God gave me a free gift with no strings attached so these things that He asks me to do are the LEAST I can do in thanks, not in repayment, cause I can never repay what has been given to me. I love and follow God to try to better understand why He has blessed me so much.

Waiting on the world to change

I was sitting in the teachers lounge the other day and the conversation turned to the economic “crisis” that is sweeping the nation. They were talking about how they had stopped watching the news and reading the newspaper because it was so depressing and that some were surprised that there weren’t people jumping off buildings because they have lost everything, others chimed in that there were in fact suicides from this recent downturn of the economy . That made me think about the sad estate of the U.S. When people have put all their stock, their hard work, their worth in the things of this life it makes me sad. Because it is inevitable that all things on this earth die, they waste away and nothing lasts. When those things fade, your wealth you have built, your possessions, your status in your job that you have worked so hard to obtain and it is gone on the whim of a breeze, what is there left to live for? Does anything matter anymore now that it’s gone?

Perhaps I am not the one to be speaking on this, I don’t have a 401K, I don’t have stocks that I have lost, or a pension. I haven’t been in a big disaster where I’ve lost all my belongings. So maybe I can’t speak from personal experience, but I can say that I am not putting much stock in this world because the world can hang at any minute. The world revolves around, not just physically but also in history. This is not the first time the U.S. has gone through this, and it most likely won’t be the last. The economy will recover and the gas prices will go up and the world will keep spinning around and people will still jump off buildings. Only one thing remains the same, God. And that’s were I invest my time and put my fortune, cause He never fails, He never crashes, His prices don’t change.

I think that one of the biggest reasons that we have this problem is the consumer attitude that we have here in America. The best way to illustrate it is the recent Subaru Forester commercial that is on t.v. A man’s voice comes on and narrates on how much they love their old Forester, but they heard that the newest model had come out and they really wanted it. So they had to make room in their garage for the new Forester. At first you think, oh, they are selling their old one, but no they are just buying another one and getting rid of a boat. That I feel epitomizes the American mentality. “If it’s new, I need it! Even if I have one already!”
I’m not perfect, and yes I do sometimes fall into that pit. It’s hard not to when that has been your whole life. People have lived at certain level in their life, and now that times are hard instead of changing their lifestyle or their thinking on how to use and handle their money, they need more! More to continue living in their comfortable lifestyle! But bailing out big corporations isn’t working. One of the big loan companies took a huge trip for their CEO’s that was in the millions once they got their huge check. They don’t need more money, WE don’t need more money! We need an attitude change, we need a life change!

I want to say again, I am not perfect. And those who know me know that can attest to my many imperfections. But it saddens my heart when I hear about people giving up on life when things are hard, when the life they are used to, the things of this life that they think are important come crashing down and there are no other options in their life. I don’t really know what else to say. It just is so…

Revelation of shortcomings

I was reading Mark 8 Friday night and a part stuck out to me. It was when Jesus warned the disciples about the "yeast of the Pharisees and Herod", and the disciples were all like, (summarizing here) "oh, it's cause we don't have any bread with us". Jesus realizes that they are totally confused and missing the whole point and brings up again the feeding of the 5,000 and 4,000 that had jsut happened recently but they are still clueless.

And I sat there wondering how lame I would have felt to be a disciple after Jesus' resurrection cause here I was walking with Jesus, the Son of God, and I missed so much and I could have learned so much more than I had if I had not been so concerned about myself and earthly things.

I was about to share this revelation with my friend Crystal (who was spending the night) when I was hit in the face (metaphorically) by my own conjecture.

How much have I missed and am currently missing from God and what I could learn and grow from my time with Him because I am so wrapped up in myself and my life?

Ouch! Wow! Am I not myself a disciple? A follower? How many times has my heart been hardened against what God has been telling me simply because I'm so concerned about my and my life and can't see beyond my own nose?

OBJECTION!!

I saw a quote the other day and it was one that I disagreed with. Usually when I find a quote I don’t agree with or don’t like, I’ll just skip over it or ignore it and move on, But this one really stuck with me and really bothered me. The quote said,

“Live your life so that you don’t need a diary”

I have no idea who said it cause the place I saw it didn’t properly reference it. But I really don’t like it. I do have a journal yes, I don’t write in it all the time but I do have one. And I had a diary or journal growing up. When I look at my past writings I don’t care so much who reads it because it is my past. But there are things that I write that I don’t want anyone to see. Not that they are bad or hurtful, but they are my own private thoughts and ramblings a lot of times when I am emotional. It is a good way to get out my feelings and really organize my thoughts without worrying about what I am saying or who is reading or listening or anything like that. I don’t have to be completely coherent or make sense to others because my journal writing is between myself and God and we understand what I write and no one else needs to.

I think it’s impossible to live that kind of life. To me it’s like saying that you can’t have your own space to write down your feelings. If you can’t share your feelings with people than you have to keep them bottled up. I don’t agree with that. Sometimes writing out your ideas and your feelings helps you think through situations that if you had just said them to people would have caused a lot of hurt. Also sometimes the best stories and songs come from peoples diaries, their private thoughts and life.

All I wanted to say about that quote was I don’t like it! I really don’t! It can give young impressionable people the wrong idea.

The Watchers

Chapter 3

The next few days were filled with a thunderous cacophony of rain limiting the time I spent outdoors to a bear minimum. When the rain finally subsided I called together a meeting of The Watchers at our usual spot. The back corner of Mrs. Browns was grown with grass and wildflowers creating a dense forest only broken by the old tool shed. Mrs. Brown was old, but not quite as old as her lifelong guardian Augustus, or Gus, as we called him. Gus had horrible hearing which was unfortunate for us when we spoke to him as we had to practically yell and often create quite a ruckus. It was fortunate though that Mrs. Brown was just as deaf and never heard anything coming from her old shed.
Oscar, a tabby from down the street called our meeting to order.

“Everyone, please come to order,” she instructed.
It took some time but the chatter eventually died down to a murmur and than finally silence.
“Thank you,” she continued. “Now. We are here today to hear an account of Rissi’s watch from a few nights ago and to discuss our actions in response to it. Rissi.”

I nodded toward Oscar as I stepped forward and began to give my report.
“There is a stranger here among us” I began.
The room filled with exclamations of surprise and confusion. Everyone started speaking at once.

“What?”
“Here? Now?”
“But I recognize everyone!”
“Maybe they’re hiding somewhere”
“Quick lets find them.”

I tried to get control of the situation before they started a full out search party.
“Wait, wait!” I called out, “Not HERE, here. Out THERE! In the neighborhood, there is a stranger. Out There!”

“Eat pears!?” Gus shouted back.
“Out there!!!” three cars yelled back.
“Ok, ok, out there. No need to yell!” Gus replied quite flustered. He began to lick his paws.

“As I was saying,” I continued with a sigh, “there is something out There” I emphasized “ that I believe needs to be addressed> I was ruthlessly chased down by this…this…BEAST” I exclaimed.
Several cats gasped, a few ‘oh my’s’ were heard. I quickly picked up my story again before I completely lost them.

“The yappy dog up the street…uh what’s his name? That horrible annoying black one. Well he’s disappeared.” That caused more gasps and a lot of nods of approval, which probably was inappropriate but not unexpected.

“It was the last clear night we had. I was on patrol for Bobbin when I saw a pair of glowing eyes watching me. I desperately tried to escape the fierce glare of these eyes but they followed me over fences, through flowerbeds, across grassy yards, even into the road!” I was awarded many supportive exclamations for my bravery. “ I at last had a stare down with my pursuer. His taunting voice was like nails grating in my ears. His fangs dripped blood as he approached.” By now everyone had grown silent leaning closer to me, feeling the tension rising in the room.
“ Suddenly the door behind me opened and I took advantage of the momentary distraction and bolted in side the doors.” I finished with a flourish of my tail to add finality to my story. Silence followed my story as all the watching cats eyes were glued on me.

“So what.” A voice called out into the silence.
As if waking from a trance, noise started to fill the room.
“So what? So what!” I exclaimed. “Who said ‘so what’?” I demanded searching around the room for the source of this outrageous statement.
“I did,” said Gus as he stepped forward. It seemed that he could hear just fine now. “Yes. So what? We’ve had many a stranger invade our area before now. And no one gives a whisker what happened to that yappy pup down the street. We are all better off.” He finished.
“Yes, but” I tried to reason.
“Leave it be” Gus responded. And with that he turned his back on me and waltzed out. At least I think that was what he was trying to do but it was more of lumber out of the dingy shed. As if his exit was the final gavel, the meeting ended. The magical spell that my story held upon my audience was broken and they began to disperse.

I sat there, dumbfounded, my mouth wide open till I was left alone in the shed, the words from Gus still reverberating in the room. After a time I collected the shattered bits of my pride and slowly walked out in to the bright sun. Momentarily blinded by the piercing sunlight a stark contrast to the darkness I just left, a voice spoke behind me.

“I think it matters.”

I looked around me but found no source of the voice. My eyes slowly adjusted to the light as an almost inaudible thump of paws hitting the grass behind me. I turned and saw a small grey kitten with bright blue eyes walk toward me.
“I think it matters. About the stranger and the disappearing dog. Even if no one liked him.” It informed me.

“Thanks,” I murmured back.
“I want to help you,” it continued, “ my name is Jelly-Ann.”

I looked at this small grey kitten in front of me with disbelief. This small creature who could barely frighten kibble out of its bowl wants to help me with this hideous, frightening monster. I looked around me to see it maybe, just maybe, there was someone else, someone braver more capable waiting to offer their help. But I was alone except for this youngling barely out of the womb.

“Well…”I sighed finally looking back at it., “ok.” I shrugged. I had no idea what this kitten was thinking. It was insane! And I was insane thinking that anything good would come of this. More than likely I would end up protecting it more than doing anything else, but what choice did I have now? I started walking past the small kitten. I didn’t hear anything behind me. ‘Maybe it took off’ I thought as I looked over my back to check, but there it was following me. ‘Wow!’ I thought, ‘It sure is quiet. Maybe that could come in handy.’
“What’s your name again?” I asked facing forward again.
“Jelly-Ann.” It replied, her voice filled with the confidence of a full-grown cat.
“Jelly-Ann,” I affirmed.
I had no idea what I was going to do now, but I at least had one feline on my side.

With the changing of the season hastening in the many wonderful holidays, my mum and I have started our yearly tradition of listening to Christmas music.

While I love Christmas music there is one song that has always confused me as to why it is considered a Christmas song as it has nothing to do with Christmas and is not even known for being in a Christmas movie! That song is "My Favorite Things" made well known by The Sound of Music.

It's a fine song, I just don't like that it is played at Christmas cause it has NOTHING to do with Christmas.

Also when I listen to this song I think,

'Wait a minute...these may not be my favorite things...sure they are nice, but I don't consider them my favorite things!'

So I wrote my own lyrics to My Favorite Things with what MY favorite things are.

(And just to clarify the tune is My Favorite Things.)

Sun on my face, and the warm summer breezes
Sweet scents of flowers and hot cups of coffee
Portland at night all lit up and sparkling
These are a few of my favorite things

Leaves changing colors, long drives thorough the country
Dark chocolate and dancing and innocent kisses
Music that moves me that I love to sing
These are a few of my favorite things

What its raining for 3 months straight
And it makes me sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Jazz music, movies, and ball gowns that sparkle
Hot showers and dark nights with stars shining brightly
Thunder storms grumble and lightning flashing
These are a few of my favorite things

Warm snuggles and campfires and blankets so cozy
Shooting stars, beach days the smell of fresh laundry
Wind in the trees, bright green hills, friends hugging
These are a few of my favorite things.



Visit my blog at http://beckymae39.blogspot.com/

Life questions or tired ramblings?

Can you do nothing all day and still be tired? Not that I don't do anything. But my job (or jobs) are not that physically tiring but I can barely keep my eyes open. When did this happen!? It seemed like only a little bit ago I could stay up late and run on very little sleep and here I am at age 22 and I am sleeping with my eyes open! Not really cause it's hard to sleep like that.

Can you miss someone so much! And yet never cry? I've tried. Thinking that if I can make myself cry than I might feel better. But when you can't cry does that make you real?

Do you ever feel that your life is so good, so blessed, that you have no idea what life is really like? Like you are in a dream world where things are strange and you move too slow, but you can't wake up? And you think you are dreaming, but you can't be sure. And you want something horrible or something that hurts to happen to you just to be sure that you really exist and have feelings.

Can you hate your life for being mediocre? For having a safe life?

Is it ok to be one of the crowd? To not do anything wonderful or spectacular or worth noticing? Can I just be one of the masses. The faceless in a crowd. Nothing is expected of me to produce something great or change the world. Just live and go along with whatever happens.

Maybe I'm just tired.

The Watchers

Ch. 2

I ran as fast as my four legs would take me but it seemed that the longer I ran, the closer the menace behind me got. I knew I couldn’t get into my house because my family had this ridiculous obsession with closing doors; but if I could at least make it to into the bright porch lights, that might get it off my tail.

I buckled down and gave I my all toward the light with all the strength I had left in me. I skidded into the lights and turned around to face my pursuer, my back arched and my fur standing on end. I let out a bright hiss to let it know that now I was ready to face it. I stared into the blackness I had emerged from but nothing moved, nothing approached, it was still as if I had imagined this chase. A dead leaf scuttled across the pavement breaking the deafening silence and slowly dying away replaced by a deep chuckle.

“What’s wrong little kitty?” the deep dark called out.

I growled low at the bodiless voice, it chuckled back in response.

“Oh, ho, ho. Think you can evade me with a little light?”

I tried to respond but my voice had frozen in my throat and only a meager half squeak mad it out. I backed up till I was pressed against the side of the house. The light glinted off a pair of murderous black eyes, highlighting a blood red ring in the center. I backed up further into the wall desperately trying to become part of it. Another low chuckle rumbled out from the direction of the approaching eyes, slowly it was accompanied by a nose black as the darkness it came from. Yellow teeth cast into a wicked smile that came to sharp white points at the end came next causing my body to seize up in fear. All ability to move or make a sound of desperate help vanished in the sight of those horrific teeth, teeth that could rip out a dog’s throat…

Suddenly the front door opened casting a new warmer light upon my rigid body, a huge silhouette framed in the doorway. The sudden appearance of a new force made me jump a turn my back to the hideous teeth. Realizing that I had just made a critical error in my movements I jumped back to face the teeth. Booming laughter coming from the doorway jarred my brain out of its trance. I ran pell-mell to the door and past the giant legs into the safety of my house. I hadn’t realized that I was holding my breath during the whole showdown until I made it inside and collapsed on the living room floor in a heap letting out a staggered breath.

“Looks like the cat’s had and adventure” the big voice commented to 2 other family members in the room as he shut the door behind him.

‘CH! An adventure!?’ I thought to myself as I lay sprawled out on the carpet trying to catch my breath. ‘Those humans think they are so safe. They have no idea what we felines do to keep them safe from…’

Well from whatever was outside. I wasn’t sure what it was I had just faced down, but it sure was not good. Sooner or later I was bound to find out what it was that was prowling our once peaceful neighborhood. Hopefully it would be later rather than sooner.

Anxiety VS. Provision

Last night I had some real trouble sleeping. While I laid there in bed I wondered why my mind wouldn't rest, why was sleep evading me so readily...? I eventually put my finger on it, and it was my anxiety over the coming week.

I was placed last week (finally!!) in a 3rd grade classroom and I met my teacher and supervisor on Thursday. I have the nervousness of meeting a new class, taking over lessons, and actually teaching! i love to teach, but well, I get nervous before I do it. and I really don't know what to expect so that adds to it.

So now as I lay in bed I have unearthed my reason for my anxiouty and nervousness and I confess it to God whole heartedly and I am reminded of a verse I read earlier this week.
It was from Psamls 127:2, the second part of the verse... it says:

"...he grants sleep to those he loves."

and at the footnotes of this page concerning this verse it says:

"...for while they slepp, he provides for."

I clung to this verse! I know that God loves me and He will grant me the sleep I need.
He also provides for me.

To do my student teaching I need to have a badge. I went to get this said badge last Wednesday so I could start teaching lessons Monday. When I went however, they said that TSPC (the teaching liceseure for Oregon) had misplaced my fingerprints and I was unable to get my badge until I either had them redone or they were found.

I was not happy! I had waited all this time to be placed and now here was something else holding me back!! When I met my teacher and principle Thursday and confessed that I did not have my badge yet, I was informed that I would not be able to teach until I did but I could observe. Still, I was not happy...

But as I lay in my bed thinking about this I realized that God had provided for me while I slept earlier that week. He knew my fears and anxiousness about jumping in and having to teach right away. But he provided a way that I could not be allowed to teach.

Maybe I sound lame, but I believe that God understood my nervousness and made a way to relieve me of my worries until I can be sure in my abilities and the place he has put me. He thought of me and cared about my feelings, He validated them and understands them. I am so thankful.

So although, yes, it is a pain that I may have to be re-fingerprinted and have to take time out of school to get my badge, I am so thankful that I don't have to jump in and teach yet.

The second verse that was in the footnotes I love also cause it makes me think and wonder....what is God providing for me while I lay here at night and rest? God never rests, He has the time to provide for me.

What is He providing for you?

AMAZING!!! WONDERFUL!!! I LOVE HIM!!! THANK YOU!!!

Hooray!!! I am so happy!

Brandon sent me flowers!!!

They are beautiful and wonderful and he is wonderful!!!

I love them! And I love him!!

Thank you Brandon!

I love you!

The Watchers

Ch 1.

I sat on the corner lot watching passing cars, their headlights reflecting off my bright green eyes startling hapless nighttime wanderers. I was on patrol. Rumors of a dangerous predator had moved into our neighborhood, which had supposedly been confirmed when the annoying pup down the street had mysteriously disappeared. Though no one is that concerned or distressed about his disappearance as he is by far the most annoying and obtrusive of all dogs, or any animal for that matter, that I have ever met. So the rumors that this new mysterious creature of the night did him in was plausible, but it was more likely that one of the neighbors, tired of that pups annoying antics of running in the middle of the street, chasing their small ones down the sidewalk and just generally making a big mess of things had finally done something about it. Things had gotten a little more serious in the past few days when many of my cohorts and friends had been trapped in their houses by their pets.

Humans, though smart enough to open doors and to put their appendages to good use, were too engrossed in their own lives to realize that it was, of course us, that had ownership on them. But the fact that these humans had the capacity and ability to open doors faster and more efficient than we could, many of us were trapped indoors most nights now leaving me to patrol the nights, like tonight.

So far it had been a quite night as I went on my patrol cruising my way through the arborvitaes of Mr. Brooks, the single older man living on his own next door to my house. It was theorized by our group that he was allergic to us, which was why he had never found a suitable caretaker, for that is what many of us became, in our own sense. You see my cohorts and I, from around the neighborhood, had decided to create our own group of watchers, keeping peace on our turf, watching out for each other and those in our area. And that’s what we became, The Watchers.

Like I said, it was quite in the neighborhood, however in the stillness I could feel eyes watching me. I sat still, holding my breathe, not one part of me moving, waiting for the stalker to show him self. The wind whispered over the late summer grass and tickled my nose. I couldn’t smell the intruder quite yet, but I could sense him sitting not far from me. I decided that I might try luring him out for at least a glimpse; I had no desire for a confrontation at this time, only quite and careful observation. I meandered across the lawn to the surrounding fence, lightly hopping to the middle support beam and then to the top for a better view. I heard a rustling behind me. I jerked my head in the direction it came from, my ears perked forward, listening intently. Waiting. A hiss from below me made my tail hairs bristle. The whole fence shook as something ran into it. I dug my claws into the weather worn wood and let out a short hiss. The fence shook again, this time I bolted. I wasn’t ready to take on whatever creature that could shake a whole fence. As I ran out of the yard and down the sidewalk I heard the scrapings of claws coming after me. Oh No! This nameless unknown force was after me. I darted across Ms. Walkers yard but the clawing only turned to thudding on the dead grass, and it got louder! It was gaining on me! I took a chance on the open street, hoping that this creature had more sense than to follow me out there where the human’s large movers ran wildly, and sometimes without hesitation, down our streets. But the clicking of nails on concrete only got louder and continued as it continued it’s pursuit. I buckled down and ran at my fullest. Trying desperately to escape. None of my evasions were working as I darted to a fro. What was I going to do? Stand and fight?

Hooray! I am placed! It has finally happened! I was placed today at Winterhaven Elementary School in south east Portland. I will be in a 3rd grade class which is cool. I'm really excited to start!
Now that I am placed the real work begins...

I have to do my background check

I have to get a Portland Public School badge

And start writing and teaching lessons.

This is what I wanted...to start teaching. Finally I can begin to finish my degree!

Thank you for your prayers and support!

In the calm...

The other night as I was dreaming, there was a song playing over and over again in my head. Well actually a phrase from a choir song that I sang at college.

"In the calm of Your presence
I am listening Lord.
I am still, I am quite, I am Yours."

In my dream I kept singing this line over and over. The whole song is beautiful and I love it.
Here is the entire song.

In the calm of Your presence
I am listening Lord,
I am still, I am quite, I am Yours.

In the calm of Your presence
I am listening Lord,
I am still, I am quite, I am Yours.

Let Your word speak to me
Let Your spirit draw near,
I will obey the truth that I hear.

In the calm of Your presence
I am listening Lord,
I am still, I am quite, I am yours

There's a thirst in my soul
For Your wisdom divine
I long for the peace
And life that I find

In the calm of Your presence
I am listening Lord,
I am still, I am quite, I am Yours
So still, silent, I am Yours
I am still, I am quite, I am Yours
I am Yours

Childhood

As I was sitting in church today watching a humorous skit on prayer, there was a little boy, maybe about 4 or 5 in front of us and he was enjoying the skit more than most of the adults that actually understood and related to it. But he was laughing and finding the actors and the situation hilarious!

It got me thinking about when I was a child and why I find that I wish that I could return to the days of my childhood. And then I wondered why...

Why do people envy the young?

Why do we wish that we could go back to that time in our life?

For me, it is because I was "innocent". I was unhurt, I was sure, I was full of life and love and joy beyond reason. I remember laughing like that little boy I saw today, laughing just because I could, because there was something funny going on. I may not have understood it, but I knew it was funny therefore I laughed.

I was unhurt by the world. I didn't know the disappointment in my own faults, the angst in worry, the betrayal from the shortcomings of others, the fear of failure...I wish that I could go back to that time when things were black and white. Love was simple, right and wrong were easy to see, you knew how to be honest without hurting anothers feelings. That time when you could forgive a friend and actually forget all together the reason you were mad in the first place.

That time when I was sure of who I was, what I wanted out of life, who I wanted to be, what I was supposed to do till then. When my judgment wasn't skewed because of all the things I have been hurt and disillusioned by. I didn't have to understand something fully to accept it as truth when it came from someone I trusted, like my parents, my friends, and God. So why now have I lost that trust in them?

I feel like I have scales on my eyes and with every new experience that happens (from what I listed above) the scales get thicker and the true person I am, the person God sees, the person I should see in the mirror, becomes more and more blurry.

I miss childhood and wish that I could have that again.

Romancing a stone

There are days when I feel distant from God, ya know? I know that HE is there, and I know that HE is providing and blessing me, even though I don't see it. That is where my faith comes in. I gain my understanding that "...faith is the evidence of things unseen..." ("In my minds eye" by DC Talk). I sometimes can't see it, or maybe I don't completely understand it but I know and I believe it.

What I really wanted to say though is the times God is providing and faithful and blessing me in my life and I DO see it!

Last week I hung out with one of my best friends Christi. We had lunch, did some shoe shopping and then went to the book store. While there I found a book I really wanted, which isn't hard cause I LOVE BOOKS!!!! And I tend to buy a lot of them. But this was a book that had been recommended by several people and that had been on my lists of books to buy for a while. It was of course at full price but I picked it up and said I'll just hold onto it while I think about it. Christi happened to have a copy which she would let me borrow so I was considering that.

While we continued our shopping time we wandered into the music area of the book store and I found a display of head phones. I lent mine to a friends sister on a trip and I haven't received them back, but it's really no big deal. So I have been thinking about buying a new pair for a while, but I just haven't. so this day I thought, "well, maybe I'll pick up a pair..." while I stood there deciding what type of headphones I wanted, I rationalized with myself that I really didn't need to buy headphones today, plus I'm trying to be wiser with the little money I'm blessed with, and I figured that I have lived with out headphones for over a month and it hasn't killed me yet, so I could wait a little longer before I got some. I also decided that the book could wait and that I could borrow it from Christi later on, besides I'm reading another book right now so I prolly wont read it for a while. So in the end I walked out of the store with no purchases (which is pretty good considering it was a book store!)

Later that day I was hanging out with Brandon at his place, and he nonchalantly handed my a pair of headphones he had bought earlier that summer. I didn't think anything of it at the time, I was kind of surprised, but he explaind that he had found a pair in storage the other day and didn't need these anymore. I took them thnakfully and stuck them in my purse. Later that night I realized what had happend and I had to thank Brandon again. He had just given me a free pair of the same headphones I had been looking at earlier that day! It was amazing, a total God thing that I didn't buy them and that Brandon gave them to me!

I was so thankful for God's provision on something so small! It totally made my week to see his blessing in my life. But HE wasn't finished with me yet!

That next Sunday I was hanging out with a friend and we took a trip to Goodwill (which is, btw, the BEST place to get books!) and I spied a book by the same author of the other book I wanted to buy at the bookstore. I wasn't sure if it was the dame book I wanted cause the cover was different, so I asked my mom to check my book list for me, which I had left at home, and it turned out it was! I was amazed! Here was the very same book for $4!! God had provided me with the very book I desired at 1/4 of the cost! Not only that, but there were 2 copies and I had my friend buy the other one cause this was too good a deal to pass up.

God had provided me with 2 things, 2 things I desired that week! I don't know what I can attribute it too. It was nothing that I did. I didn't pray for these things, I didn't ask God, I never thought that I would find these things at a better price and save myself money. But God saw the desire in me for these things, and maybe they are trivial and small things, but to HIM, HE saw a small trinket, a toy that costs pennies to HIM but would make his daughter happy and HE bought them for me. HE provided these things!

It just amazes me to think about how much God loves me and shows me HIS love when HE does that. HE can see into my desires, I don't need to tell HIM! HE already knows! I love it! I love HIM!

My Father, my God...He is providing, He is romancing me, I am falling in love with HIM more and more, not because HE buys me things, but because HE cares about me, even down to the smallest most insiginificant desire or want I have. I can't even begin to fathom the depth of HIS love...

So I was thinking that maybe I should start with that obligatory "Welcome and Hello" blog, but I figured I'd skip that since no one really wants to read that.

Today I hung with Brandon, which is what we do every Tuesday, and we went to his storage unit to move some of his stuff that he doesn't use out of his room. While there we were goofing off and I tried to run away from Brandon and I lost my footing and fell. In the process of falling I hit the door frame where the door part (the thing that sticks out) goes into the frame (the part with the hole) and I scraped my arm by my armpit and tore my shirt. I also scraped my knee a bit and slammed my hands into the ground. I'm doing just fine, I have a lovely scratch and bruise on my arm from where I hit the door frame, and a little blood on my shirt.

Brandon was very concerned, but I laughed. I think it is hilarious when I fall, and I have fallen so many times in my life that it doesn't bother me anymore. Plus having scars makes me feel COOL!! I relate my fall though to my Christian life.

(I'm gonna make this specific, put it in self terms and not general "we", "us" terms)

I think that sometimes I'm afraid to "fail" or "fall" so I don't do the things that God has planed for me. But sometimes I think HE wants me to "fall". Not because HE is mean, or vicious, or that HE relishes in Schadenfreude (Pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune. Pretty much why we laugh when people fall down or get hit or something like that), but I think that sometimes HE wants me to "fall" because through that pain and experience I learn a lesson and I grow as a person.

I also can attribute this experience to running ahead of God. And sometimes falling is God's way of telling me to SLOW DOWN!!! I can get ahead of God on things and maybe that's not where HE want's me or I'm supposed to get there a different way but I want to be there NOW so I run, and I loose my balance cause my focus is no longer on God and HIS will but myself and my will.

So "...in the end" (Phrase from Golden Slumbers from Happy Feet soundtrack), what was the lesson I learned?

Don't run with flip flops on smooth cement.

~Becky